I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
