You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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