my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
