There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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