I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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