i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
