Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
