i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
