I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
