I can text with my tongue
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
