I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
where are my eyebrows?
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