I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
