pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
