Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Dick very happy bro
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
