Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
COCAINE IS GR8
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