Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
ttyl tear gas
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
