if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
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Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend