I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
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I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
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The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?