He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.