I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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