ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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