What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
