Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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