carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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