Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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