I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
