He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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