The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Man, jail baloney is awful.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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