I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
