Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
