I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
