I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We need to feng shui this bitch.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
