I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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