Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
