My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
