$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
