There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
