i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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