Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
