Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
