omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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