Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
