The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
