Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
