Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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