Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
