I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
