I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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