How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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