I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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