I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
