Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
