Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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