Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
