My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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