i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
