At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
