youre lurking in front of me
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
