He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
