So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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